Loss of a Parent

Brandon Robbins
3 days ago
3 min read

The loss of a parent is not a single event. It is a fracture that travels through time, reshaping memory, identity, and relationships. Whether the death comes slowly or suddenly, by illness or by accident, the death of a parent rearranges the inner world of a child—no matter that child’s age.

Slow Death: The Long Goodbye

When a parent dies slowly—through illness, degeneration, or prolonged decline—grief begins long before death.

This is anticipatory grief. The child grieves in installments:

The first diagnosis
The first loss of function
The moment the parent no longer sounds like themselves
The day roles reverse, and the child becomes caretaker

Hope and dread coexist. Each improvement raises fragile optimism; each decline feels like a betrayal by the body, by medicine, by fate.

The slow death erodes certainty:

The parent who once protected now needs protection
The child learns too early that love does not prevent loss
Time becomes heavy, measured in appointments and waiting rooms

When death finally arrives, it often brings relief wrapped in guilt. Relief that the suffering has ended. Guilt for feeling relieved. Exhaustion so deep it can delay grief entirely.

Sudden Death: The Shattering

A sudden death—accident, heart attack, overdose, violence—does not prepare the psyche. It interrupts reality.

The world splits into before and after.

There is no goodbye, no settling of words, no gradual adjustment. The nervous system remains stuck in shock:

“This can’t be real.”
“I just spoke to them.”
“They were fine.”

Sudden death often leaves behind unfinished conversations and imagined alternate timelines. The mind loops endlessly, trying to regain control by asking what if.

This kind of loss often produces:

Hypervigilance
A shattered sense of safety
A belief that life can collapse without warning

Trust in the future weakens. Permanence becomes an illusion.

Natural Causes: The Death That Still Destroys

Even when a parent dies from “natural causes,” the impact is anything but natural.

Age does not soften the blow. Predictability does not eliminate pain.

There is often an unspoken expectation:

“They lived a full life.”,“You knew this was coming.”

But knowing is not the same as being ready.

Natural death confronts the child with:

Their own aging
Their own mortality
The thinning of the generation above them

It marks the transition into a world where guidance is no longer guaranteed.

The Child at Any Age

Young Children

For young children, a parent’s death destabilizes the foundation of reality.

Separation anxiety intensifies
Magical thinking may lead them to blame themselves
Safety becomes fragile

They may grieve in bursts, returning to play quickly, only to re-experience grief years later as understanding matures.

Adolescents

Adolescents experience grief alongside identity formation.

Anger often masks pain
Risk-taking may increase
Authority and fairness are questioned

The loss may shape how they relate to intimacy, trust, and independence for decades.

Adult Children

Adult children often grieve both the parent and the relationship that will never evolve further.

Advice will no longer be updated
Conflicts will never be repaired
Approval will never be earned or revoked again

They may feel orphaned even with families of their own.

Siblings: The Aftermath

The death of a parent often reshapes sibling relationships in unpredictable ways.

Coming Together

Some siblings bond through shared grief.

They become witnesses for each other’s memories
Roles become complementary
A sense of “only we understand this” emerges

In these cases, the loss strengthens the connection.

Destruction

Others fracture.

Old rivalries resurface
Inheritance, caregiving, and perceived favouritism ignite conflict
Each sibling grieves a different version of the same parent

Unspoken resentments become louder. Silence becomes distance. The family narrative splinters.

Grief does not unite by default—it reveals what already existed.

Illusions Dispelled

The death of a parent dismantles long-held illusions:

That someone older will always be there
That the family structure is permanent
That protection is guaranteed
That time can be relied upon

For many, this is the first encounter with irreversible loss.

It strips away:

Childhood assumptions
False narratives of control
The belief that love alone is enough to keep people alive

What remains is a deeper, harsher understanding of life—and sometimes, a more honest one.

What Comes After

The loss of a parent does not end. It changes shape.

Grief returns at:

Milestones
Holidays
Moments when guidance is needed
Times when you realize you are becoming who they once were

The parent continues to live as:

An internal voice
A standard you resist or uphold
A wound
A legacy

The work of grief is not forgetting. It is learning how to carry the absence without disappearing into it.