Parental Authority & Estrangement

Brandon Robbins
4 days ago
3 min read

Below is a structured, trauma-informed exploration that centers the impact of parental authority overriding a child’s lived experience—especially when parents unilaterally define what is “toxic” and label their own behaviour as “good parenting,” regardless of how it is received.

The Power to Define Reality

When parents decide what is toxic without the child’s participation, they are not just setting boundaries—they are claiming ownership over reality.

This often shows up as:

“You’re too sensitive.”
“This is for your own good.”
“One day you’ll understand.”
“That’s just how families are.”

What’s happening beneath the surface is epistemic dominance:

The parents’ interpretation of events is treated as truth, while the child’s perception is treated as error.

Impact on the Child

The child learns that their internal signals are unreliable
Emotional confusion replaces clarity
Trust in self erodes before trust in others ever forms

This is not neutral. It is psychologically shaping.

2. “Good Parenting” as a Shield Against Accountability

When a parent frames their behavior as inherently good because it is parenting, they create moral immunity.

“I can’t be harming you—I’m your parent.”

This framing prevents:

Reflection
Repair
Curiosity about impact
Mutual meaning-making

Instead of asking:

“How did this land for you?”

The parent asserts:

“I know what’s best.”

The Harm

Pain is reframed as necessary
Distress is reframed as immaturity
Dissent is reframed as disrespect

The child is left with only two options:

Submit & Disappear
Resist & Be Punished (emotionally or relationally)

When “Toxic” Becomes a Weapon

Parents sometimes name a child’s boundaries, reactions, or autonomy as “toxic.”

Examples:

Calling withdrawal “manipulation”
Calling anger “abuse”
Calling distance “betrayal”
Calling differentiation “selfishness”

This inversion is devastating.

Why?

Because it teaches the child:

Self-protection = harm
Naming pain = attack
Boundaries = cruelty

Over time, the child internalizes:

“If I need less of you, I am bad.”

This creates relational double binds—no safe move exists.

Emotional Invalidation as Chronic Injury

This pattern is rarely a single event. It is cumulative.

Each time the child says:

“That hurt.”
“I felt scared.”
“I needed you to stop.”

…and the response is:

“That didn’t happen.”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“You’re ungrateful.”

A small rupture occurs.

Over years, these ruptures stack into:

Emotional numbness
Hypervigilance
Shame for having needs
A deep sense of being unseen

This is not resilience building. This is a relational injury.

5. The Slow Road to Estrangement

Estrangement rarely begins with anger. It begins with exhaustion.

The child (or adult child) realizes:

Being honest leads to punishment
Being quiet leads to erasure
Being present requires self-betrayal

Distance becomes the only remaining form of self-preservation.

Estrangement is not:

A rejection of love
A lack of forgiveness

It is often:

“I tried every way to stay and none of them let me survive.”

The Parent’s Blind Spot

Parents caught in this dynamic often believe:

Intent matters more than impact
Authority replaces consent
Survival parenting = good parenting
Estrangement came “out of nowhere”

What is often missing is this truth:

Impact defines harm—not intention, role, or sacrifice.

Without this recognition:

Repair cannot occur
Apologies feel hollow or conditional
Reconnection becomes impossible

What Repair Would Actually Require

Repair is not:

Explaining harder
Reasserting authority
Demanding forgiveness
Minimizing the past

Repair would require:

Letting the child define what was harmful
Tolerating shame without defensiveness
Accepting that love and harm can coexist
Valuing relationship over being right

For many parents, this is terrifying—because it threatens identity, not just behaviour.

Why Estrangement Becomes Ethical

From the child’s perspective, estrangement may be the first ethical act of their life:

Choosing safety over loyalty
Choosing truth over harmony
Choosing selfhood over role

It is not punishment. It is not revenge. It is containment.

Closing Reflection

When parents define their actions as “good parenting” regardless of impact, they teach the child that:

Love is something done to you, not with you.

Estrangement is often the child’s final attempt to answer:

“If my voice doesn’t matter here, where might it?”