The Weight Left Behind: Brothers & Sisters-in-arms after a Completed Suicide

Brandon Robbins
1 day ago
4 min read

Trigger warning — this message discusses suicide and its aftermath. If anything I say brings up immediate danger for you or someone else, please call your local emergency number now or a crisis line (in the U.S. or Canada, dial 988).

When a service member dies by suicide, the shock is physical — a unit that shared food, watch, jokes, and missions now has an absence that feels like a hole in the formation. The loss lands differently than other deaths. It carries operational, psychological, moral, and relational burdens all at once.

Immediate emotional landscape

Shock and disbelief. Units often report a stunned silence, a disbelief that someone they saw every day could be gone in that way. That disbelief is the first raw wound.
Powerlessness and helplessness. People replay what they could have done differently: the missed text, the joke that wasn’t returned. That “if only” feeling becomes heavy.
Survivor guilt. “Why them and not me?” or “I should have noticed” are common thoughts. Guilt attaches even when there was nothing anyone could have changed.
Anger and blame. Anger may be directed at the deceased (“how could you?”), at leadership (“why didn’t they get help?”), or at the system. This anger can co-exist with deep sadness.
Stigma and secrecy. Units often struggle between public duty and private grief; some members hide vulnerability for fear of career repercussions or appearing weak.
Operational disruption. Beyond grief, there are immediate practical consequences: changed roles, reassigned duties, investigations — each add stress and prolong trauma.

How it fractures — and sometimes strengthens — unit cohesion

Some units experience fracturing: cliques form, trust erodes, people withdraw.
Others rally and find deeper connection: shared mourning can become a turning point where candid conversations finally happen, help is sought, and culture shifts.

Living with suicidal ideation while serving

Living with persistent suicidal thoughts in an active-duty environment is complex. There is a tension between mission demands and inner crisis.

Common cognitive/affective patterns

Cognitive constriction. Thoughts narrow; possibilities shrink to a single, overwhelming belief that death is the only escape from pain or burden.
Compartmentalization. Many learn to compartmentalize emotions to keep functioning operationally — they perform their duties while holding a private, crushing interior life.
Numbing and dissociation. To get through deployments or shifts, individuals may emotionally shut down, which paradoxically increases isolation.
Perceived burdensomeness. The belief “I’m letting everyone down” or “I cause harm if I stay” is powerful and corrosive.
Thwarted belongingness. Even in close units, members can feel misunderstood — convinced that no one would truly understand the darkness they carry.
Hopelessness about help. Fear of career consequences, of being labeled unreliable, or of ineffective treatment leads many to avoid asking for help.

Behavioral patterns that can mask risk

High-functioning presentation. Some appear competent and reliable; their competence becomes a mask that hides risk.
Risk-taking or reckless behavior. Seeking danger can be a way of punishing oneself or testing limits.
Substance use. Alcohol or drugs may be used to blunt pain or insomnia, which increases risk.
Secrecy around planning. Because the environment requires readiness, some are careful to conceal ideation and any plans.

Living with the Darkness — Daily Realities

Rituals and coping strategies. Some keep strict routines, physical fitness, or rituals to stay afloat; these can help but might not be enough.
Momentary relief vs. persistent pain. Relief can come from small anchors — a comrade’s laugh, a sunrise, a call from family — but it often feels temporary.
Meaning conflicts. The desire to serve and protect can clash with thoughts about self-harm; that conflict can produce shame and confusion.
Seeking help is hard but possible. Confidential channels, peer support, and leadership modeling make it easier for members to reach out.

After a death: the system’s role and the need for good postvention

How an organization responds matters enormously. Badly handled, the aftermath becomes a second injury.

Helpful postvention includes:

Clear, honest communication. Timely facts and compassionate messaging reduce rumor and isolation.
Immediate peer and mental-health check-ins. Proactive outreach (not just flyers) identifies people at risk.
Memorialization that’s thoughtful. Ceremonies and rituals help with meaning-making; they should avoid sensationalizing cause of death and instead honor the whole person.
Support for leaders. Commanders and NCOs need guidance on how to speak, lead, and look after the unit.
Administrative transparency. Swift, respectful administrative follow-through (investigations, benefits, notifications) reduces additional anxiety.
Longer-term follow up. Grief and moral injury can emerge or persist months later; continued access to counseling and peer groups is crucial.

What helps — practical actions peers, leaders, and systems can take

For peers and leaders:

Listen without judgment. Say less advice, more: “I’m here. Tell me what you need.” Listening validates and reduces isolation.
Normalize seeking help. Leaders sharing they’ve used mental-health resources reduces stigma.
Check concrete safety. If someone is in immediate danger, do not leave them alone and call emergency services or crisis line.
Reduce means access. Where appropriate and possible, limit access to lethal means and ensure safe storage of weapons and medications.
Follow up. A single “how are you?” is not enough—returning, consistent contact matters.
Provide structured support. Offer peer-led groups, chaplain access, and confidential counseling.

For systems:

Confidential care paths. Ensure help can be sought without automatic career penalty.
Training in suicide prevention and postvention. Skillful training (how to ask, how to respond) saves lives.
Moral-injury informed care. Treatment that addresses betrayal, meaning loss, and moral conflict speaks to what many service members experience.

Language that helps (example phrasing for leaders)

“I know this is shocking and it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. We’ll get support for everyone — mental-health resources, peer check-ins, and time to process. If you’re struggling, you can come to me, to the chaplain, or to medical confidentially. You are not alone.”

This message discusses suicide and its aftermath. If anything I say brings up immediate danger for you or someone else, please call your local emergency number now or a crisis line (in the U.S. or Canada, dial 988).