Recovery: Awarenesses

Four months into my recovery journey and I’ve been having some awarenesses. I started a routine of curating my memories on social media and then my albums. So many of my photos have a drink in hand. My expression a fake smile, modelling what I think joy would like, while boredom brewed behind my eyes. Fake it till I make it… the credo that fuelled my social life. I’d go out and pretend. Laugh when expected to. Meet people who had no real interest in me, we’d go through the motions. When neither one of us really care about what the other has to say. Both of us waiting for the exchange to end but instead we wake up next to each other. Lingering dopamine but overshadowed by the wave of regret. Trying to escape the embarrassment of not knowing where I was with a hangover. 

Drinking made that exchange bearable. I’d honestly would rather be somewhere else, sharing space with people who actually enjoy the energy exchange, my presence. 

Being sober, I don’t want to fake it. I’ve lost interest in faking my experiences. Faking connections. It seems like I’m wasting time and energy doing that. Putting the drinks down and exchanging it for ginger beer. Looking at people and meeting thier gaze with intrigue. Emoting genuinely. Meeting people who ask deep questions because they’re interested in knowing me. I don’t have to fake it till I make it much anymore. Since putting the drinks down. 

#sobriety #mindfullnes #connections #recovery #awareness